This is a review of a DVD i watched that is also a book.
The man who wrote the book has a system of discipline where you give the kid 3 counts and then send them to timeout. The counts are given for "stop behaviors". These include screaming, whining, arguing, tantruming, etc. You should not give them counts if you ask them to do something and they don't do it, that is a "start behavior". His two rules for using the three counts are that you don't talk to your children and you don't get emotional. You say, "That's one (5seconds) thats two (5seconds) that's three go to timeout" and then you usher if needed the child to timeout. Do not say anything or get emotional about it. Children are in timeout for one minute per year old they are. If the offense is severe (swearing, hitting, breaking an item) then you add five minutes to their normal time. He suggests the no talking because parents do a talk, persuade, argue, yell, hit routine with children and this was created to stop that. he suggests not getting emotional because then your children fear you or receive a "reward" in making you upset. he said that children feel inferior and like to see how they can make effect on the world around them. This is why they like to throw rocks in a pond, they get a big splash. He suggests that a yelling father or stressed out mother is a splash. If you talk to your children it creates a reason to fight you back. As children get older they will try to reason their way out of it. Start the timer once the child is in timeout and not tantruming (if applicable). If they leave timeout before the time is out, start over.
He suggested that adults have a "little adult" view of children and expect them to listen to reason and remember that when they got in trouble for doing an activity they will remember to not do it again. He stated, "The role of a caregiver of children should be titled Wild Animal Trainer". Children do not listen to reason at a young age, they listen to their own splash.
When children test and manipulate you they are trying to get their way through emotional pressure. This is where many parents of today give in. Keep your cool and don't give in. Give them counts for badgering you, physically acting out, or threatening you.
My thoughts while watching this were at first as if a giant load was being lifted off my shoulder. If all i have to do is say, "that's one, that's two, etc" then i would lose a lot of persuading and stress. Disciplining is very taxing when you have a smart and determined child. I felt i could use this method and feel good about my mothering at the end of the day. I sat my 3 year old down and told him we would be starting this method and showed him his timeout spot, a carpet by the front door away from any distractions. It worked! Most times i only have to get to 1 and he stops the behavior immediatly. There are occasions when he has decided he is going to do the behavior and doesn't fully understand the reason why it can't be done. Or he just feels like stretching his lungs out. Where the feelings and emotions are real and I don't want to teach him to not have them, the method of their release does need to be taught as unacceptable. Once he realizes that having a tantrum about the fact that i peeled the banana and he wanted to is unacceptable, then I teach him that he can use his words and talk to me. I forgot a key thing in this 123 magic method is that when the kid comes back from timeout you DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. You move on with what you were doing. For most kids they have already forgotten what happened and have moved on/ forgiven you for committing the heinous crime of peeling open a banana for them. I like this part of the method. I would always try and explain to my child and ask, "why were you in timeout?" And i would get frustrated that he would seriously give me a confused look like that was so years ago.
One issue i take or question i ask is, what is the point of a timeout? If it is to make the child feel "bad" for what they did, then I will say my 3 year old never feels remorse for more than 20 seconds. Is it to remove the child from freedom and entertainment? Then i will say my 3 year old finds entertainment in 10 seconds with anything he can get his hands on (clothes included). Is it to give them time to reflect on what just happend? Then i would say my 3 year old does not have the mental ability to reflect. I assume that the purpose of the timeout is so the child sees that if they behave in a way, the parent takes control. It is a type of punishment that is not beating them, yelling at them, taking away a prized item of theirs, etc. It is a "if you do this, there is a consequence". To that i say, ok.
So it is working for me. The timer is started over several times until my 3 year old finally just lays down on the carpet. And as i said i usually only have to say "that's one". I have developed my own counting method to get my children to do "start behaviors". My husband gets sick when he sees parents count to three to get their children to do something and then never follow through. So we have adopted the countdown method. We say "you can put your dishes in the table or i will in 5..4..3..2..1" and then we do it. With a boy who is growing independent this is a gold mine. He wants to do everything by himself and melts down if you do something (the peeled banana). And we are sure to follow through and do it if we get to one so he knows we mean business. I am all for teaching your kids and explaining things to them so they understand, but i think i will expect them to listen and understand when they are older, like 8 or something.
